Following Your Husband's Lead/ Helpmeet

When Your Husband Isn’t Leading

Today we are wrapping up our series, following your husband’s lead! You can find the links to the series at the end of today’s post.

Not every marriage is going to be heavenly all the time. We are all going to encounter bumps in the road and trials that threaten to tear us apart. Sometimes our ever after isn’t turning out to be the happily ever after that we dreamed off.

I’ve received a lot of response from this series, so I want to address some of the comments I’ve gotten so I can encourage others who may be in the same situation.

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When you are submitting out of fear.

Most command men lead their homes in a more controlling manner.

He typically comes across as harsh, unloving and heavy handed because he wants things done in a certain way, exactly when he asks.

It takes a special woman to be the wife of this type of man! You have to be careful not to take his control as slight against you personally. Most times he doesn’t believe he is coming across unloving or harsh. He believes he is loving you and the family by the way he is leading. God created him to have this personality.

These men don’t like to be second guessed; therefore, you have to learn how to make an appeal when you want to have a say in a decision.

One problem that can occur though, even with saved husbands, is that the husband is making the wife submit out of fear.

Submitting out fear is not a healthy marriage.

God didn’t put man above the woman because he thought man was somehow better. He did it this way for accountability. Yet some men, typically the command man types, take their power and rule with an iron fist.

Be careful. There are ways to improve your marriage although it won’t (usually) be quick or easy. However if you are in a physically abusive situation or where the threats are serious and could endanger you or your children, you need to leave and even contact law enforcement if necessary. This doesn’t automatically mean divorce (and you should strive to prevent that), but you can’t make progress under those circumstances.

I recommend that the wife take this issue to Lord before she takes it to her husband. Pray for the Lord to soften both your hearts. This is probably the most effective way to change your spouse over time. “Dear lord, change my husband, amen.” Once a week isn’t the idea. Pray fervently, and often and let the Lord know you won’t stop until you see him work. Luke 11:8 talks about this kind of praying, which I believe is related to praying for people to change (get saved, change of attitude, etc…)

I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. Luke 11:8 

Then talk to your husband; respectfully tell him what is on your heart. How you’re feeling insignificant in the decision making.

When you go to him, have a plan in place because I’m sure he will ask what he can do to help you feel significant.

Build him up as you also tell him how he’s making you feel and what you’d like to see change.

If you sandwich the bad with lots of good, he will be softer towards your requests.

After your talk, thank him every time he includes you! By smiling at him and changing your attitude, I’m sure you’ll see a difference!

husband and wife

What do you do when your man isn’t leading at all?

Sometimes if a husband isn’t a strong leader he wont lead at all. Leaving all the decision making to the wife. This can easily wear out the wife who is juggling so many other balls on a daily basis.

Many of these man simply lack the confidence needed to lead the family. It is a large burden to carry!

Perhaps you usually take the lead but you want your man to lead but you’ve taken control over the years. Then I would suggest taking a step back. Try to defer to his decision, saying something like, “Honey, I don’t know what to do with this situation, can you help me?” this will subtly let him know that you desire his leadership.

Encouraging your husband by building him up any chance he takes the lead. Tell him how great you think he handled a situation. Tell him that you love when he makes decisions for the family and how it makes things easier for you.

Giving him the confidence boost that he needs starts in the small areas.

Pray for God to give him the desire to lead!

You can’t change your husband. This is crucial to remember. You can only change yourself. You can’t focus on the negative things that your man does, this will not motivate him. Focus on the positive and focus on changing yourself.

Leave the rest in God’s hands and God’s timing. He will reward your faithfulness!


Miss a post in the series? Catch up here:

Following Your Husband’s Lead

Following Your Husband’s Lead at Home

Following Your Husband’s Lead in the Ministry

When to Not Follow Your Husband’s Lead


Your turn! Have you had to overcome some obstacles to your husband not leading the family?

This post may be linked up with any of these blogs.

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  • Reply
    September 4, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    Love this! I really feel like women encouraging and lifting up their husbands when they lead is crucial!

  • Reply
    Karen Del Tatto
    September 7, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Thank you so much for your Biblical wisdom in these difficult areas.

    It seems the issue of husbands not leading is a very common one. In my own circles alone, many women share their frustration.

    I agree that the best way to “effect change” is going to our Heavenly Father in prayer. Just like you stated in the more serious situation, prayer should be done fervently. But no matter what the circumstance.we are praying for whether serious or light, we should diligently seek the Lord,not just once a week.

    I received encouragement during my visit. 🙂

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 8, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Sadly, it isn’t uncommon. Many men just need some encouragement and to know their wife will follow.I agree that fervent, consistent prayer changes lives! Thanks for stopping by today!

  • Reply
    ~ linda
    September 7, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    What an encouraging post! So many women need to hear or read this type of message so they feel less alone. They can also realize that prayer is powerful and their behavior can make all the difference when it comes to be a godly wife.
    You have given a gift here! This whole series, Anastasia. Thank you.
    I am blessed to have a Christian husband who leads. Yes, he has fallen down on the job, but has come back to pick up the reins. This is my 2nd marriage: I was not a Christian in the first nor was he. Thirteen years after the divorce, I met my wonderful husband and have been married 22+ years. I am so grateful to God for He truly knew just who and what I needed. I became His at the same time as my husband (before we married) and his mother introduced me to Jesus. Amen.
    Caring through Christ, ~ linda

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 8, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      You have a beautiful story! I’m so glad God didn’t end your story but gave you many more years of marriage to godly man, so amazing! It is such a blessing to have a godly marriage. Women who feel alone certainly are not! I’m so glad you found encouragement in this series. Thank you for your comment today-it encouraged me!

  • Reply
    September 8, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    I lead a small group bible study and it seems to be a common thread–wives have sort of taken over because their husbands aren’t leading. I saw this post on a link up and I love the solid advice–be an encourager and pray! I’m going to go back and read the rest as this may make an interesting topic at our meetings. Thank for sharing.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 9, 2015 at 2:44 pm

      So glad you stopped by, I hope something here can encourage your group of ladies. Its so hard not to take over when you’re husband isn’t leading. Have a great day!

  • Reply
    September 10, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    This is such an encouraging post. I think that a lot of men don’t lead because they lack the confidence but also because they just don’t know how from a biblical perspective. We definitely need to pray that they will hunger for the truth and that the Holy Spirit will guide them to obey God’s calling for them as men. Hopping over from Thought Provoking Thursday.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 11, 2015 at 1:37 am

      I agree, asking the Lord to place that desire in him to grow in this area can help so much more than a lot of other things we may try. So glad you dropped by!

  • Reply
    Jenny @ Unremarkable Files
    September 10, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Great post. Sometimes I notice that I want my husband to lead AND I want him to do it exactly the way I would do it or think he should do it. So he backs off and then I wonder why! Control freaks of the world, this is our struggle.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 11, 2015 at 1:35 am

      Amen, sister! The struggle is real! 🙂 Thanks for making me chuckle tonight-your comment encouraged me!

  • Reply
    September 10, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    This is comforting. There are times when he just doesn’t want to lead. It’s tough but I enjoy your encouragement of the gentle nudge. #SHINEbloghop

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      September 11, 2015 at 1:34 am

      I’m so glad this post could be of an encouragement to you. It is a struggle for wives who desire their husband’s leadership when he doesn’t want it. Keep praying for him and encouraging him! I will say a prayer for you tonight, Ann.

  • Reply
    SHINE Blog Hop #65 - The Deliberate Mom
    September 17, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    […] When Your Husband Isn’t Leading – ANAWINS […]

  • Reply
    September 17, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    Very good article. I blessed to have a good man but he too is sometimes to passive. I’ll use these tips to encourage him. Thanks for sharing.

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