Ecclesiastes Study/ Holiness

The Secret to Speaking With Grace

Do you struggle with extending grace to those in your life? Speaking our mind is our natural tendency but what if you want to give more grace yet you keep failing? What is the secret to gracious speech? I can relate. I think many of us do, if we were honest with ourselves. Find the secret here.

I have a little problem. Sometimes it’s no big deal and sometimes it’s a disaster.

I speak my mind. Instantly. I will usually spit out exactly what I’m thinking when I’m thinking it.

You can just imagine what kind of sticky situations this may land me.

I don’t think I’m alone either.

I know a few other people in my life that have the same Achille’s heel. Maybe you struggle with this as well.

I have been hurt and I’ve caused hurt just from this one little problem. Friendships have died.  I have made my kids cry because I say something in the moment that I regret later, once I actually think about the situation.

While we are told in James that the tongue is unruly and cannot be tamed, we can speak wiser words. We can learn to hold our tongue, it is a self-discipline that we can work on creating.

James 3:8  But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

If we don’t want to hurt or be hurt, then we should be working hard at stopping this deadly behavior before it can do any more harm.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 10, we see that the words of a wise man are gracious.

Ecclesiastes 10:12  The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.

The secret to speaking with grace is to have wisdom.

Where do we get wisdom? From fearing the Lord and seeking Him.

When we are striving to be more like Christ, we are more mindful of our behavior and attitudes. When we start our day with being in His Word we can fill up on His strength to help us control our tongue that day.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I am in my Bible in the morning and I still speak my mind all too often. Why is that?

I’ve recently figured it out. I don’t think you’re going to like if you struggle like I do.

Do you struggle with extending grace to those in your life? Speaking our mind is our natural tendency but what if you want to give more grace yet you keep failing? What is the secret to gracious speech? I can relate. I think many of us do, if we were honest with ourselves. Find the secret here.

The number one reason we don’t speak with grace is because of our pride.

We think we need to be heard. We think we have something important to share. We are annoyed or upset over what our spouse or friend did or our children’s behavior. We are offended, therefore, because of our pride, we let our mouths take us places we didn’t intend to go.

We don’t like a new rule, or the behavior or parenting decision of others so in the name of pride, we let those around us just what we think.

Sound familiar?

I found some verses that help me speak more graciously that I hope will help others who struggle. While I do believe that seeking after God for wisdom, if you have this bad habit it is a deeper sin issue that needs to be addressed.

Let’s start with the kind of woman we want to be-a gracious woman, a woman who give grace freely in her speech and behavior.

Proverbs 11:16a  A gracious woman retaineth honour: 

This kind of woman is given honor from those around her. Her behavior yields respect from others.

But we also see in Proverbs something that needs to happen before we can receive honor.

Proverbs 18b before honour is humility.

Before we can receive honor, we need to have humility.

Being humble and gracious are connected. We can’t separate the two. When we see people as Jesus sees them, we will then learn to give them grace with both our words and our actions. When we realize that we are no better than anyone else, we will begin to speak with more grace. When we begin to think this way we are growing in wisdom. See how that works?

While it may not be easy, it may be a downright struggle at times, we can change our old ways. I know I want to be known as a gracious woman at the end of my life. How about you?


Your turn! Do you struggle with speaking your mind? How do you reign it in when you want to let the words spill  out? Let’s chat in the comments below!

This post may be linked up with any of these blogs.

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  • Reply
    May 9, 2016 at 11:59 am

    So true Ana!! I think we all struggle with this at some level. Pride is the root most of the time in my case. One simple thing I’ve learned that will crush it quickly is preferring others over myself and listen before speaking. When I am actively listening and not thinking about what I’m going to say while the other person is talking (guilty!!!) or creating opinions about what they are saying, I usually have a harder time speaking what I’m actually thinking. Because if I’m really listening, I’m trying to see what they are trying to communicate- my heart is towards them and not against them. Linking up with you at Good Morning Mondays.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 10, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      Good point. I tend to take awhile to say what I’m thinking when I do stop to think first. Good communication is definitely a learned skill!

  • Reply
    May 11, 2016 at 9:30 am

    I actually did this morning. Like seriously right after I got finish with my quiet time, I read something online and unhappy words came out of my mouth. I had to laugh because it just came out and asked God forgiveness. I really like the thought of humility and grace. Very true

  • Reply
    Heather M
    May 11, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Oh dear yes… the struggle is real! Thanks for pointing out how much our pride is often the culprit. I’ve been praying for more graceful responses and now I know to pray for less pride as well! ♥

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 15, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      Same here. I certainly added humility to the top of my prayer list!

  • Reply
    Valerie Sisco
    May 11, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    Hi Anastasia,
    I’m visiting from Coffee for your Heart. Oh your words hit home with me! I so often speak without pausing and regret what words come out because I feel I need to be heard or have something to say! I can so relate with your post! I think some of us need more discipline than others and it’s a constant request of mine to be filled with the Holy Spirit so more grace and peace can overflow! Enjoyed my visit here today!

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 15, 2016 at 3:11 pm

      Amen and amen. I’m encouraged that I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing with me!

  • Reply
    May 12, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    What insightful thoughts on speaking with grace. I have to admit, it’s a hard for me to do this sometimes. But your thoughts on pride and wisdom helps me realize how to improve upon it. Thank you for sharing such an inspirational piece with us on #shinebloghop

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 15, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      It is a hard discipline to exercise but at least we can strive for it, right? Thanks for hosting!

  • Reply
    May 12, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    Oh, yes, such a struggle, especially when dealing with people online. You are so right that much of this comes from how culture has ingrained entitlement into us today, especially here in the US. We feel like we deserve to have our every opinion heard and if you don’t agree, you are “dead to us.” This is certainly something I have been more and more convicted of over the last few years.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 15, 2016 at 3:14 pm

      Culture is definitely not helping us out on this one. I think “walking away” can be harder sometimes because people feel that they can hide behind their screens and say things that perhaps they wouldn’t say in person. It’s a shame!

  • Reply
    Speaking Grace & Worst Mom Ever? - Living Proverbs 31 Linkup - A Proverbs 31 Wife
    May 16, 2016 at 2:16 am

    […] needs spoken, but how to share that truth in a grace filled manner. How to speak life with grace? Anna Wins has an answer to that question and I think she is right on the point with […]

  • Reply
    Dianne Thornton
    May 16, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Grace and humility are connected — true words! Seeing people as Jesus sees them. It changes everything, doesn’t it! Yes, sister. I struggle with this, too. Thanks for these words today.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 28, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      So glad I’m not alone! We are all growing together.

  • Reply
    May 16, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Amen! Every word in this post is so true! Thank you for encouraging all of us! Blessings.

  • Reply
    May 18, 2016 at 11:11 am

    Thanks for sharing! It is so true, on our own, we can’t but through Christ we can do all things. I find when I am filling my mind with the things of God, in print, music or tv, it also makes it easier. Garbage in, garbage out!
    I’d love it if you linked up over at:

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 28, 2016 at 3:14 pm

      Yes, love the garbage in and garbage out thinking. I may have missed your link up- I’m just getting caught up from moving last weekend! But I’ll link it if it’s still up-heading over now to check it out.

  • Reply
    May 18, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    It is so important to listen…that’s such a huge part of conversation!

    By the way I found your blog via the “No Rules Weekend Blog Party” Blog Hop.

    I write about our farm life, my faith, homemaking topics (like recipes), and even craft topics.

    Please stop by and say hello and follow my feeds as well at:



    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      May 28, 2016 at 3:28 pm

      So glad you found me, Jessica. I’m just getting caught up on everything since we moved last weekend. I’ll be sure to head over and check out your site!

  • Reply
    Ruthie Gray
    May 23, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    The Proverbs are full of practical wisdom for our speech, aren’t they? This is so true – we need to apply our knowledge in the form of wisdom as we speak in all circumstances – no matter how difficult!

    Thanks for always taking time to link with us on Tuesdays! Tweeted!

  • Reply
    June 1, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    For men and women alike, the chief reason we don’t speak with grace is that we are not at peace internally. People at peace inside don’t feel the need to assert themselves quickly or often. Inner peace allows us to detach somewhat from situations. When we feel that every situation is a life and death one, of course we’re going to say more than we should and often in an unkind way.

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      June 5, 2016 at 3:44 pm

      Hmmm, that is food for thought. It seems logical but it makes me want to analyze it more with my own reactions. Thanks for the insight!

  • Reply
    Kimberly Eibe
    June 4, 2016 at 8:20 am

    I love this and I love you! Thank you for this reminder…I too struggle with my tongue. I must tell you though, you ability to speak up for God, yourself, your family and others without hesitation is one of my favorite qualities in you. I appreciate the courage it takes to speak up and be honest about your struggles but know that sometimes, people see it differently than you. What you see as a flaw might be seen as a quality by some people, in some situations. Your voice is powerful…control it, yes, but please don’t ever lose it!

    • Reply
      Anastasia Safee
      June 5, 2016 at 3:57 pm

      Aw, thanks for the encouragement. I definitely need it! We can thank my upbringing for my outspoken tongue, haha! A city girl and Italian in my blood, it was bound to happen. 😉 I didn’t think that it was a quality but I can see how others may think so. It can definitely be an asset in some situations (as you know from knowing me in person!)

      I so miss you! Can’t wait for your visit!!

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