Do you feel like there is one issue in your marriage that you and your husband just can not agree on? Do you find yourself arguing over the same things again and again? Despite our efforts at communicating well( there is no way to completely avoid disagreements when two sinners are living in one space. How we deal with disagreements is important to our marriage and the unity that we share. Disagreements can break down that unity and friendship we share, so we must be vigilant at learning how to deal with them in a Biblical way.
We don’t have to let disagreements get ugly. Shocker, right? A disagreement doesn’t need to escalate into a yelling match where no one is really listening to each other. We first need to look at the root of our disagreements if we are going to learn how to diffuse them.
The Bible tells us that contentions, or disagreements, come because one reason. The culprit is pride. Our pride puts blinders on us and we are only concerned with getting what we want. Often in the midst of an argument neither couple will admit that their pride is motivating them and blinding them.
Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10
Pride causes us to demand our own rights, our own way and to get our view across. It causes us to fight for what we want from whoever gets in our way. It causes us to act our of anger when someone offends us or goes against us.
Have you noticed that pride and anger go hand in hand? In the Bible, pride is most often listed with anger or wrath. They are strongly connected to one another.
Proud and haughty scorner is his name, who dealeth in proud wrath. Proverbs 21:24
When we are angry we aren’t walking in the Spirit, we have let our flesh take control over us.
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:20
Even after a disagreement has dissipated, we are often unwilling to admit our pride. Rather than acknowledge it for what it is, we try to cover it up with service or engage in self-denial.
Pride makes us more concerned about ourselves. Leaving no place for God to work in our lives.
When we begin to understand that God judges our character based on how well we love others, we will begin to see that our pride is causing the damage in our relationship. Pride keeps us from apologizing. It keeps us from ultimately changing our behavior. Therefore, we continue to have the same disagreements in our marriages.
But it doesn’t need to be this way! There is hope!
Love and forgiveness go together just as pride and anger and go together. We learn in the Bible that we are not slaves to sin. We can have victory over these disagreements that cause us to lash out and demand our own rights (pg. 121).
God’s love makes forgiveness possible, and God’s forgiveness makes loving fellowship possible. The two cannot be separated – one naturally leads to the other. God’s love and grace poured out on our own life, not because we deserve it, but because God chose to give it, has the power to change us, making us loving and forgiving people rather than hateful and unforgiving people. pg. 122
The key to diffusing disagreements in our marriage is to approach each issue with an attitude of love and service towards each other. Instead of attacking each other, attack the problem.
People are going to fail, but we shouldn’t be responding to that failure in a condemning manner. We should be responding with love, kindness, patience, and gentleness. With heaping doses of grace upon grace.
Why? Because this how God responds to our own failures. He loves us despite our sin and gives us new mercies every morning. If we are given grace so freely, the work of Christ in our hearts should be evident when we pour out grace to our spouse. With God, we are able to live in peace and unity. We are able to hold our peace when we disagree. We can control our spirit. But only when we are living a life in harmony with the Word of God.
This chapter ends with a practical exercise to complete with your spouse on your disagreements. You both rate what you find yourselves arguing over the most. Then together you communicate and come up with a plan to resolve each issue in order to avoid repeating the same disagreements. I highly recommend grabbing a hard copy of the book to work through all of these exercises with your spouse. My husband and I have done quite of a few of them together, we both learned more about each and walked away feeling more connect and on the same page. Check out this post for more details on how to grab a copy (it is not on Amazon!).
Your turn! How do avoid disagreements on the same issues in your marriage? Do you struggle with letting your pride get in the way during a disagreement? Let’s talk in the comments below!
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