Welcome back to our Happily Married book club! We are steadily going through this fantastic book by Debi Pryde. I can’t believe we are more than halfway through the book!
Although I am not keen on writing about this subject, it certainly won’t be a habit here, but we can’t get around it when we are doing a book study and the author touches on the topic. So here we go diving into chapter seven.
If we are not happy in the bedroom we won’t have a happy marriage. The two ideas are intricately connected. What is the first thing to disappear when there are marriage problems? The sex life. A wife doesn’t become responsive to her husband when there is strife in the marriage and a husband will grow colder towards a wife who isn’t responsive. It is a vicious cycle that is hurting marriages all over.
Debi does a great job at touching on all of these steps and stresses that there are many other resources out there for couples who need more focused help in any area. I will link to some resources at the bottom of the post.
3 Steps to a Happier Sex Life
*(all 3 points are directly from the chapter, pg 80)
1. Sex is good and was designed by God.
God created sex. He created it and then tells us to take advantage of it. The Bible is clear on the fact that sex is good and is to be enjoyed within marriage.
The book of Song of Solomon is a clear picture of a great love story. The two go back and forth expressing their love for one another. They are prime examples of a couple intoxicated on their love for each other. The more they enjoy each other the more they desire each and the happier they are.
Not once is there any condemnation from the other or from God. Rather, sex is encouraged and honored as pure and enjoyable (pg. 81)
God does not condemn sexuality within marriage. Outside of marriage, yes, but never within marriage.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: Hebrews 13:4
In fact, God is clear that we are not to withhold ourselves from our spouse. This is opening up your partner to sexual temptation from outside the marriage. Causing more marriage problems, might I add.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
2. Mutual sexual enjoyment requires knowledge of one another.
Who is the one person on this earth that knows you the best? Your spouse. Well, at least, it should be! There is no one in the world that knows me better than my husband. He knows my crazy food likes and dislikes (more dislikes than the average person!), he knows what makes me happy, angry or sad. He’s seen me at my worst, at my best and my silliest. This is the way that marriage should be.
The Bible uses the word know to describe the sexual union between a husband and a wife. This doesn’t seem like a mistake. There is no deeper way of knowing someone. It takes some work to know your spouse intimately. This requires us to be completely vulnerable with our spouse. To learn to openly communicate with one another.
The more openly you share the more you are going to be able to enjoy each other to the fullest extent (pg. 82).
Get to know your spouse, not just outside the bedroom but inside of it. Make it your quest to study your spouse and learn what they enjoy or don’t enjoy.
3. Sex is based on giving rather than receiving.
If you’ve ever read Song of Solomon you can clearly see how both partners are excited about pleasing the other. Neither of them is seeking their own satisfaction but how they can please the one that they love.
After we have learned what our spouse wants we then need to use that knowledge and unselfishly make it our desire to please them in those ways.
The key is not focusing on pleasing yourself or seeking after more bedroom encounters just to please your own desires. Many of the problems we face in the bedroom are created when one spouse is focused on themselves on not on their mate.
Mutual self-giving and mutual admiration that focus on the other’s good qualities actually ignite emotions that lead to physical desire and delight. pg 83
This idea sounds counter-productive, doesn’t it? But it is indeed the key to marital harmony and delight.
When we give ourselves completely to our spouse we will then find a happier sex life. And a happier marriage as a result.
Looking for deeper thoughts on this subject? Here are some great resource books for you to check out:
Your turn! What one of these steps do you need to work on? Do any surprise you? Do you have any other resource that you would add to the list? Let’s talk!
This post may be linked up with any of these blogs.